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Holidays can be time to remember
Learning to live after death of son
Wednesday, Dec. 23, 2009
 Click here to enlarge this photo Staff photo by CAROL HARVAT
Gary and Kelly Swanson stand in front of a mural at the American Legion Stallings – Williams Post 206 in Chesapeake Beach. The Swansons started the SSG Christopher W. Swanson Support Charity for Veterans and their Families, a nonprofit in memory of their son, who was killed on July 22, 2006, while on his third tour in Iraq with the U.S. Army's 82nd Airborne Division. For more information on its mission go to www.ssgswansonveterancharities.org.
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Nothing could be more tragic and heart wrenching than the death of a child.
Whether a child dies at a young age or as an adult, bereavement may become more difficult around the holidays as memories are conjured up and loved ones are missed at family gatherings.
Learning to live after the death of their son, who died while serving in the U.S. Army in Iraq, is what Gary and Kelly Swanson have been doing for three and a half years. The Swansons, who live in Rose Haven, said they still have their moments when grief takes over their emotions, usually during evenings at home. It's hard when they are both together when one of them begins to feel the grief, said Kelly.
"We get through it by God's grace. Faith sustains you," said Gary Swanson, whose family has been part of the First Baptist Church in Upper Marlboro for about 30 years.
"We know our son is in better hands now," Gary said.
But despite faith, the emotions are still there and it's not just missing their son, Staff Sgt. Christopher "Chris" Swanson, who died at 25 years old; it's also missing out on the life that he was not able to live and the children that he may have had, Kelly said. It's his missing out in being the best man at their son Kenny's wedding, she said.
Staff Sgt. Christopher Swanson was on patrol when his unit was ambushed by gunfire and he was killed by sniper fire on July 22, 2006. Three weeks earlier his Bradley vehicle was hit by shrapnel from an I.E.D. (Improvised Explosive Device).
"He got sewn up and went right back to his guys," Gary said of his son who was in command of a patrol unit for the 82nd Airborne Division.
He didn't have to be there, but that's the way he was, always sacrificing for his soldiers, his father said. When Christopher was on leave, he would visit the wounded soldiers at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. His funeral brought out around 3,500 people, Gary said.
"The community has a heart for our veterans," he said, and they have seen it through cards, letters, photo albums, quilts and phone calls since their son's death.
For the past three years, "our whole processes are on different things," said Kelly, who now speaks at Memorial Day ceremonies and is the historian of the American Gold Star Mothers Maryland chapter, an organization for mothers whose children died while serving in the military.
Gary, now retired, has become a friend and mentor to some of his son's friends from the Army, allowing them to stay at the Swansons' retreat home in the mountains in Tennessee and being a confidant while the young men share their life stories with him.
Gary has also talked with other parents who have lost a child who have come to him for guidance. While he said he can empathize with them, he, too, finds it hard to find words to say, but is there to sit and listen to them.
Coping with the loss
Despite still feeling the pain of their son's death, the Swansons said they have much to be thankful for, and through the process of healing have been blessed with the outpouring of support and generosity of their friends, their community in the Twin Beaches and Rose Haven and their church.
The American Legion Stallings – Williams Post 206 in Chesapeake Beach has been a tremendous help, they said, offering assistance right from the Sunday afternoon, the day after they learned of their son's death.
"Nobody sees that part of what they do," Kelly said.
Longtime family friend Gary Padgett was also there for them when Christopher died, staying with the Swansons from midnight until early Sunday morning, he said.
"I can't imagine how you can handle something like this," said Padgett, who has children who grew up with the Swanson children. Padgett and Gary Swanson worked together for years after meeting at a police academy in 1982 and they were partners in a detective unit the day they received the news, Padgett said.
Padgett said he thinks the Swansons cope by connecting with the soldiers who were in their son's squad and through the charity they started in their son's name.
Dealing with grief
Carol Paschall is a facilitator for a bereavement group that provides support for parents who lost a child, The Compassionate Friends of Southern Maryland. She said, "It takes time. Being able to talk with someone in the same situation really does help. We've all had the ups and downs."
Spouses often each deal with grief differently, making it difficult on a relationship, she said. Paschall, whose 4-year-old daughter died 10 years ago, said family members may also have a difficult time around the holidays as the parents may want to talk about the child or light a candle for their child while some family members are not comfortable with this.
Each year Paschall said she places a small Christmas tree in a burlap bag at her daughter's gravesite and places ornaments her daughter made on their tree. Parents will do different things; she said some have donated Angel Tree gifts or made donations in their child's name during the holidays.
During the holidays there's a tremendous amount of external and internal pressures and sometimes people who are grieving may not have the energy to do the cooking, shopping, gift wrapping and socializing, said Lynn Bonde, executive director of Hospice of Calvert County.
Allow what you're feeling to be felt, and don't deny it, especially in regard to losing a child, she said. People do not ever get over the loss of someone who meant something to them, they just adapt, said Bonde.
"It's a painful process of healing and adaption. It becomes a part of who you become," she said.
Bonde, a licensed mental health counselor, said it is hard in this culture to feel vulnerable and express feelings, but leaning on someone is the most peaceful thing. It doesn't require talking, just presence, she added. People who want to help a loved one who is grieving should first acknowledge that it may be uncomfortable, and then be available to the person, said Bonde.
"You simply have to be available. Be there for that person."
Creating positives from tragedy
While adapting to life without a loved one or child, some families start memorials, scholarships or charities in his or her name or make donations to an organization that affects them personally, said Paschall, whose daughter attended the Calvert Country School and her family held a fundraising drive for the school's playground.
"We have lots of people that do that sort of thing," she said.
Along with offering their own Tennessee home to soldiers, the Swansons began a charity, the SSG Christopher W. Swanson Support Charity for Veterans and their Families. The charity's mission is to purchase a home or homes on the Chesapeake Bay for military members and their families to use for a period of time as a haven from the stresses of being treated at military hospitals. The foundation has also started veteran scholarships and is assisting five families of veterans this Christmas.
"It's about what we can do for the soldiers now. That's what it's about," said Gary Swanson.
Padgett organized a charity golf tournament that was held this past September and raised $10,000 through business and personal donations. He plans to make it an annual event.
Padgett, a golfer, said he wanted to help the family in some way and decided that raising money for the charity was a good way to do it.
"I'm just trying to do my part," he said.
The charity's goal is to pay for a home outright and provide counseling and other activities for the home's guests. The home they envision will sit on the bay and be large enough for several family members to stay comfortably.
Padgett said he knows that they will need to raise a lot of money, but said, "We'll keep plugging away."
The Swansons, too, have faith that the community will make it happen as they have already seen its generosity.
"It's all in God's timing; it'll get there," Kelly said.
Help is out there
The Compassionate Friends, a free bereavement support group for parents who lost a child of siblings, meets the fourth Monday of the month at 7:30 p.m. at Trinity United Methodist Church in Prince Frederick.
Hospice of Calvert County provides free grief counseling and support services for county residents and people do not need to have a connection with a Hospice patient to take advantage of these services. For information, call 410-535-0892.
